Reasons Why Being Dave Strider Sucks
by The World's Biggest Fangirl
Summary: Your name is DAVE STRIDER. Normally, you are ONE IRONIC COOL KID, but today you are UNDENIABLY PISSED OFF at your older brother. JohnDave, BroDad, non-SBURB AU. A very belated Christmas gift for InsaneCrush!


Your name is DAVE STRIDER. Normally, you are ONE IRONIC COOL KID, but today you are UNDENIABLY PISSED OFF at your older brother. You cannot believe that he could do something  
like that to you. He had been well aware that it would upset you, and he did it anyways. What a piece-of-shit affair.

It had all started half a year ago, on your birthday, your only presents from him being two plane tickets to Washington and a grunt when you actually thanked him for once. "Will these work around summer?" you'd asked, praying to the gods of irony that your sunglasses were dark enough to hide how your eyes lit up at the prospect of finally, finally meeting John Egbert.

Your bro nodded. If he'd noticed any excitement in your face moments beforehand, he made no outward reaction to it. A few minutes later, you slipped away from Bro and up into your room, where you'd proceeded to flip open your laptop. You had to tell John the good news.

[TG has begun to pester EB at 10:13 PM]  
TG: john  
TG: guess what  
EB: yes dave?  
TG: i got tickets for my birthday dude  
TG: im coming to see you this summer  
TG: youd better be excited like fucking scooby doo when he gets his shitty nasty paws on some scooby snacks  
EB: of course i'm excited!  
TG: youll wanna ask your dad first of course  
EB: of course! hold on.  
[EB has ceased pestering TG at 10:20 PM]

[EB has resumed TG at 10:27 PM]  
EB: he said yes!  
TG: sweet  
EB: i can't wait to meet you!  
TG: i know you cant wait to tap this either  
EB: dave!  
TG: dont deny it everyone wants a piece of my strider ass  
TG: like a fat grandma wants a piece of cake  
EB: DAVE!  
TG: fine fine im sorry  
TG: oh btw my bro wants to come for whatever reason  
EB: i'm sure my dad will enjoy the company, he's always so lonely…  
TG: i bet hes lonely  
TG: the dude spends his time baking for fucks sake  
TG: oh dude i still have homework to do and shit  
EB: bye!  
TG: but dont forget that itll soon be you ill be slammin on a desk and doing all night long  
EB: DAVE!  
TG: love you bye  
TG: *this is where i wink seductively*  
[TG has ceased pestering EB at 10:35 PM]

Fast forward to a few days before right now. You stood next to your bro in the airport lobby, gripping onto your suitcase like you're Linus and it is your fucking security blanket. However, you kept your excitement and nervousness inside, your countenance remaining emotionless as you watched Bro slide his credit card into a machine. He took the boarding passes it dispensed and handed one to you.

You and Bro headed to the baggage claim, and you both set your ironic Disney Princess suitcases on the belt. He lead you onto the plane, which smells strongly of cigarette smoke and piss. Settling into the coffee-stained seats straight out of the nineties, you realized that this was probably not the most prestigious and high class of airlines in existence. You resisted the urge to covet your nose as you slipped your headphones over your ears and drifted into a daydream.

Three hours later, the two of you stood on the front stoop of the Egbert house. You distracted yourself from how hard your heart beats against your chest by playing with the handle of your suitcase. You slid the plastic up and down as Ariel smiled into your thigh. Bro raised a single gloved hand and clenched it into a fist before tapping on the door.

With bated breath, you watched the door open to reveal who you can only assume to be John Egbert's father. He had the exact same tan skin, dark raven hair, and long lashes your  
boyfriend had in every picture you'd ever seen of him. Unlike John, he was lean, with a little bit of muscle on his hairy arms. Mr. Egbert was clad in a long sleeved blue dress shirt, but his sleeves were rolled up, which allowed for the observation about his arm hair you'd made three seconds beforehand. Said shirt was tucked into a pair of cotton pants, and a pipe hung out of his mouth.

"You must be Dave", he said, the corners of his mouth moving to form a warm smile.

You nodded, internally feeling awkward and praying for John Egbert to appear, but outwardly radiating an air of collectiveness and indifference. When the all-too-familiar face you'd seen in photo after photo from behind Mr. Egbert's shoulder and smiled at you, you internally sighed in relief. John gently pushed his father over enough to slip past him and head towards you. You returned the welcome hug he gave you, noticing two things; one, that John was several inches shorter than you, and two, that he was a little on the heavy side. However, the chubbiness only added to his undeniably dorky charms. He was like a spoiled rich brat's large teddy bear, just ripe for hugging. You could only imagine how uncomfortable it was for him to hug you, since you were bony. You had the ridiculous Strider family metabolism, with all the strength of an entire damn horse of plundering Vikings. It burnt calories from a diet of junk food (and entire villages too).

It took your Bro clearing his throat loudly to remember that there were other people around you and that you were Dave Strider, not the love interest from some shitty chick flick. You disentangled yourself from John before casually surveying your surroundings. Bro's forehead was crinkled in a way that suggested a raised eyebrow under his ironic anime shades. Mr. Egbert chuckled at both of you. John, seeming to sense how uncomfortable you were, lead you up to his room.

You made fun of his movie posters and he dissed your Disney Princess suitcase until he was nearly out of breath from laughter. Eventually, he helped you unpack said Ariel suitcase and placed all your clothes in a previously empty drawer. You'd be staying for a month, so you'd packed quite a bit.

"So, where do I sleep?" you asked. A small chuckle escaped your lips as John's face heated up.

"With.. Me. In my bed", he answered, voice quiet from embarrassment. You flopped down on his bed, just to test how comfortable it was. Not bad. Rolling from your left side to your right after a few moments, your face smacked into something squishy, warm, and white. It took a few moments for you to register that it was John's shoulder. He crawled in with you. Cute. You wrapped your arms around his waist, content to stay like that forever.

Poking at the slice of meatloaf in front of you, you couldn't help but notice that Bro is smiling at Mr. Egbert as the two discuss who-knows-what about shaving cream. It was the first red flag of many to come, yet at the time, it struck you as a little bizarre but nothing more. Bro never smiled.

The next red flag came when Bro helped Mr. Egbert with the dishes. You were sitting next to John at the table, staring intently into his blue eyes as he blabbered on, when you peered out of the corner of your eye. In that moment, you saw Bro slyly press his leg into Mr. Egbert's, in a way that the unsuspecting pipe smoker would never see as anything more than an accident. But you knew Bro better than Mr. Egbert did, and was well aware that it was completely on purpose. There was something lustful in the way your brother slid a hand onto the shoulder of the other man as they began a conversation. You can sense Bro's shade-covered eyes looking up and down his body.

"..and then….Dave! Earth to Strider!" John's voice cut into your thoughts, and then you remembered your boyfriend that your disgust with your brother made you temporarily forget. Your gaze shifts from the sink to look at him once more.

"Strider to Earth. Uranus is pretty warm, I must say. Over." You chuckled as John's face heated up and he smacked you with a placemat.

Bro turned around and mouths "Stop making jokes like that, you little shit."

You retaliated by mouthing,"Seduce Mr. Egbert and I'll never forgive you." All Bro did was flip you off before returning to conversing with Mr. Egbert as if nothing had happened.

John gave you a confused look and opened his mouth to say something. Figuring that his question was about the exchange between you and your brother, and not feeling in the mood to explain what had happened, you decided to cut him off with a kiss. His eyes widened and stared at you with a mix of surprise and nervousness the entire time your lips are pressed together. You eventually pulled away and he looked at you with a gaze of confusion. "Dude, what was that?"

"It was a kiss, Egbert."

"I know that was a kiss, dumbass! You didn't ask for it though, or at least warn me." He huffed.

"Well, you're not supposed to ask before you give someone you're dating a kiss. It doesn't work like that, John."  
He glared at you after that, and you couldn't help but chuckle. "But-"  
You cut him off again with another kiss, his protests muffled against your lips. When you finally pulled away, he gave you a glance that suggests that he has no idea how to feel, that he didn't know whether he should be angry or in love. You could just sense Bro rolling his eyes at you, and Mr. Egbert's blue eyes were lit with amusement.  
John finally settled on in love after a long, awkward pause where he stared at you and you stared at him from under your lenses. He cracked a grin at you before pecking your lips. A returned kiss. Score. You tried to hold the pleasure from appearing on your face, but you must've failed miserably, because John's grin only grew wider.  
"Those two are quite a pair", Bro murmured to Mr. Egbert, in a way that you supposed was meant to be inaudible to you. You heard it fine anyways. This statement was met by some amused laughter on Mr. Egbert's part. "Why don't you two go upstairs?" Bro said, in a much louder voice, the comment this time meant for you to hear.  
"Why?" you asked, surveying your brother's face suspiciously in the hopes of spotting any kind of emotion that gave away whether his motives were what you believed them to be.  
"For some adult manly bonding time", was his reply. Yeah, adult manly bonding time indeed. More like getting John and yourself out of the room so he could finally make a move on Mr. Egbert, like he'd been itching to for a while. You swore, if he dared to seduce your boyfriend's father, you would go out of your way to snap his neck.  
"Alright, we can do that!" John chirped happily. It was obvious that he was excited that his father was finally making friends. Poor naive little John Egbert. He obviously hadn't noticed what was happening here. You were about to open your mouth to protest when he grabbed you by the hand and dragged you up the stairs.  
8. He sat you down on his bed before pulling out his collection of shitty movies, obviously excited to watch one with you. Normally, you'd have been pumped. But at that moment, your mind was occupied. Worried. What interest could your brother possibly have in a man like Mr. Egbert? Your boyfriend's father was easily twenty years older than he was, and they shared no interests. Your brother had to be in just for lust. That was even worse!  
John eventually settled on some cheesy action movie (you were too preoccupied to really pay attention, so you didn't know anything else about the movie) and curled up next to you. You could only enjoy cuddling with him so much, since you were too busy worrying about what your brother was up to. As soon as you realized that the movie was over, you made an excuse; that you needed to piss and didn't want to do it on his Ghostbusters didn't head for the bathroom, however. You went downstairs to spy on your brother.

You peered out from behind a chair, resting your eyes on your brother. Your jaw dropped as you registered the fact that his lips were connected with Mr. Egbert's. Mr. Egbert eventually noticed you standing there and pushed away Bro, blushing. Your face was red too, but from anger, not embarrassment. Bro stood up and began to walk towards you, but you bolted up the stairs before he could reach you. You stopped right outside of John's door and took a deep breath before letting yourself in. You collapsed on the ground, which brings you back to the beginning of this tale.

"Dave?" John asks you in a worried whisper. You don't react at all. He bites his lip before scootching closer to you. "Dave?" he asks again, louder this time.

You finally look up at him for a few second that seem like an eternity before burying your face into your denim-covered kneecaps. Silently, he raises a hand and begins to stroke your hair. He's waiting for you to explain what's wrong, but you remain silent. Eventually, he lets out a long sigh and wraps an arm around your shoulders. After a while, you calm down enough to look at him and explain what happened.

"Your dad, he.. My brother.. They were…" Okay, maybe your aren't ready to explain what happened. John glances at you curiously as he waist for you to finish. You take a deep breath before taking the plunge. "They were making out."

Blue eyes are glazed over with shock as John's mouth pops open. "What? Is that some kind of joke, Dave?"

You shake your head silently. He presses his cheek to yours. "Dave, I was not expecting that to happen. I'm sorry it upsets you… I bet they're cute though!" John gives you a grin as fake as George Washington's teeth, but drops it as soon as he notices it's not working. "Dave, can you explain to me why you're so upset?"

"No", you say, sighing. "It's just.. Bro knew he would upset me and he still did it. So not cool."

John can't help but roll his eyes at you, and give you a grin that, unlike his last one, is authentic. You find yourself grinning back. "Maybe you should talk to him about it", John suggests.

"Maybe…" You say, trailing off as you consider it further. Maybe you really should. Maybe your bro is serious about this. It could be worth a try right?

A knock sounds on the door. John leaps to his feet and rushes over to open it. Bro is standing on the other side. He motions wordlessly for you to come out into the hallway. Eager for an explanation, you join him, closing the door behind you.

"Dude, I know you're upset…" Bro says. You nod. "I probably should have talked it over with you before making my move on him. I knew it would upset you and still did it… I was.. Wrong. And I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry for getting upset over something so stupid." Your shade-covered eyes meet his. After a long pause, Bro puts his fist out, and you bump it. The corner of his mouth twitches into what is a half-assed smile by anyone's judgment, yet you still appreciate it.

"Good talk, kid. Good talk", Bro says and begins to walk away.

"Wait!" you blurt out, and he turns around. "Are you serious about your.. Thing with Mr. Egbert?"

"Yes."

"Good luck with that man."

"Thanks." And with that, he was back down the stairs and you were back in John's room.


End file.
